“The glassblower knows that in the heat of the beginning, anything is possible. Once hardened, the only possibility to change is to break” Mark Nepo
And just like that, in an instant, my whole life changed. The many hours I spent moving on my yoga mat were replaced by time in bed, one of my legs hardly responding and unable to walk for some time…
In order to help myself come into terms with this, I see this multi-layered transformation as the one a caterpillar undergoes before becoming a butterfly, the sudden change that literally took away my old skin, my job, my ability move freely, painlessly and unassisted and emotionally left wounds of fear, low self-esteem and sadness ...
I was so comfortable with my caterpillar legs, with my caterpillar body and its flexibility, with my daily habits and routines, with my steady sleep patterns…
This feels like the end of an era as a caterpillar, an unplanned, reluctant and sudden end. And I find myself in this very tight and uncomfortable chrysalis; restricting like a pair of non-stretchy jeans that feels too small for my body, with constant discomfort in one foot and nerve pain that abruptly jolts my whole leg at times.
I'll miss my old skin, but every scar and crack remind me not to be so attached to this temporary form since it’s bound to change for as long as I live
Every crack reminds me of what I have endured and the strength that is necessary for new wings to pierce through and to the surface.
Yoga Sutra 2.16 states that “Future suffering can and should be avoided.” The reality is that no matter in what situation one finds oneself in, we are either wanting something or rejecting something and this results in suffering; this is an obstacle in the path of liberation. Craving/attachment & aversion (strong likes & strong dislikes) lead to the suffering since not getting what one wants makes one sad and even getting what one wants can bring suffering because at some point we’re going to lose it
As long as I wish my body was as it used to be or whenever I reject my current experience, I’m bound to suffer. So, I’m lovingly cultivating acceptance, the kind of welcoming of this experience that not only enhances my present experience but also prevents future suffering as the state of my mind determines the state of my emotions and the state of my emotions affects the state of my body.
And with the passing of the days, almost 3 months in inside this life-changing pupa stage, I check on my wings, one as healthy as ever, the other, only a week ago, barely responsive, and now starting to give me signs of movement, filling me with joy and hope.
Perhaps the cracks were necessary for me to feel the magic of what I used to take for granted, maybe the confining chrysalis was a means to bring me closer to what’s truly important, family… perhaps everything that has pulled me back has been nothing but a way to propel me forwards and upwards when my wings are ready
